I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You took a bar mat shot.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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