I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
