i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
