How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
