Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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