just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
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