My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
