i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize