see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
