Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
