Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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