Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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