one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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