He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My ass is underappreciated
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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