i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
