If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
