oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
