you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
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