Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
