I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
