I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
