Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize