I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
