i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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