he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
