In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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