He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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