I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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