You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
