Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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