i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize