she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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