I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
