we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
