I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize