I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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