The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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