I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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