it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
