found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
