I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
