Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
