HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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