They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
we're so committed to being not committed
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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