My balls are so social today.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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