I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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