I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
