the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
