Your dad touched me again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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