I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
