If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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