My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
