i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
