who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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