There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
