my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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