Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
