ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
