apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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