So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
