shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
