She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
