Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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