my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
