if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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