i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
