On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize