A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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