were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
