By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
