I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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