So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
