I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
